The four most hurtful words, some might say. Hard to hear, for sure. Truth? Sort of.
In some regards, saying that “it’s not about you”, is utter nonsense. This is my life, and I am constantly surveying the world around me and making decisions based off of what I hear, see and know. In fact, it’s what I know best. MY life. I’ve lived with it for decades. How can it not be about ME?
And that’s the problem. We are all narcissistic to some degree. I remember a dear friend of mine deciding she didn’t like a mutual acquaintance because she just knew that they way that girl looked at her was off, and was directed maliciously at her therefore she was not to be trusted. Who’s to say that girl didn’t have an eyelash stuck in her eye?! She judged a whole 22 year-old life on the 15 second image in her mind of how she looked in that moment.
I found myself recently looking at someone across a table and remarking to myself how oddly I found the movement of her hands & gestures to be. She had beautiful knowing eyes and a sweet spirit about her, and what she said was awe-inspiring but I kept getting drawn to her hands. In that instant, I was thinking about ME and how her hands bothered ME, and I wondered if others found them to be the same. Surely others would agree with ME. Almost simultaneously, I stopped and became embarrassed at myself, knowing full well that I was being pulled in a direction that was not flattering, that was fully selfish, that was ridiculous at best and shameful at worst. It is human nature to be curious, to compare our own circumstances to others we see.
I wonder if we look at the outward appearances of others because it’s easy and it’s quick. It’s a text instead of a conversation. It’s a blink instead of a gaze.
But how quickly we must get it horribly wrong. In order to fully look at the whole of someone, we must be willing to put in time. And unselfish open-mindedness. I stopped to ponder what SHE must be like and how lovely SHE is, and what a gift of smiles SHE always has and suddenly, it was no longer about me. I had fully placed my heart in a different place – a loving space, a kind one. It took a sliver of effort and grace. In an instant, the world was a better place – for both of us.
That, I believe, is what marriage is made of. You can look at life from behind selfish eyes and motivation and make decisions that put your own wants and needs on the uppermost pedestal and even rationalize it to take priority, or you choose to look from another more thoughtful angle and decide to look with compassion at the need or want or even just a mere understanding of the other person. Catch yourself and decide to be better. Decide to look at each other with a kind expectation, not a mean spirited one. Even when you’re tired. Even when the other person might be wrong. Even if you don’t feel like it.
It will always be about you because we are born to be survivalists. Trouble is, we are not alone. We are connected to each other and in order to be devoted to lifelong commitment, we must put the needs of others in front and beside. You will be changed to a better version of you.
No matter what you believe in matters of faith, the good book was written in terms of thinking of others. It can’t be a bad idea if it survived over 2700 years.
Philippian 2: 3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others.”
Learning still,
Elaine
