Some people are born to fight. The instinct though, is usually developed, it is cultivated, not innate. The fighter never wants to meet in the middle, nor find common ground, or even to hear what the other side is saying, underneath all the grit and furrowed brows. It is not about what they think it’s about, at all. It’s usually more about fending off being hurt One. More. Time. About being heard. A voice that matters.
The same can be said for the other side. This goes for marriage, parenting, religion, politics, just about all of it.
“Hurt people, hurt people” as they say. The cycle is hard to break and if not checked regularly, it can take over an otherwise loving and joyous person. I’ve seen it happen. I watched an uncle become obsessed over the fight, or symptom, but never considered the root disease. It took 10 years of his life. But the cycle can be broken. It doesn’t have to always be a contest over who spent the most hours working, parenting, sweating, sleeping, or staying awake.
LISTEN. No really. Stop shouting, overtalking, explaining, complaining, and getting into the fray or devising what next to say. Just stop and quietly listen to that equally valued soul try more time to be heard. To be understood.
Set the pride aside, lay the gloves down and erase the agenda. Give grace, expect better. Every argument ever fired up, probably started with bruised pride not being satisfied. Lay it down, too. What did you GIVE without expectation in return?
There is nothing wrong with disagreement, there is nothing wrong with positive competitiveness. When it begins to tear down and not lift up, it is time to look inside, change the heart and begin again. Always begin again. I heard on a podcast recently, to make it a contest to “try and see who can honor the other person more” instead of berating, chiding, bring down and lessen in an effort to feel more important.
You don’t have to give up being strong, in order to be humble. You don’t have to give up standing up for yourself to be looking out for the betterment of someone else. “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself, less.”
Try, try again,
Elaine
