My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade, leaving my brother and I to split time between households for holidays. As we grew up, we decided that we would each host the holiday and the parents could come if they wished but we were done with splitting time. I applaud my parents for choosing to come and to outwardly lay aside any feelings of betrayal, bitterness or hostility. Over the years and scores of birthdays, holidays and remarriages, their relationship softened and often exhibited humor. Our own children, their grandchildren, knew no inkling of past hurts; only that they enjoyed family as we defined it.
When my own first husband and I sought a separation, we kept this in mind and chose at that moment that for the short term at least, we would come together and celebrate holidays and birthdays as a united front. That sounds really noble but let it be known that it was not an easy decision nor an easy implementation. There was notable tension and discomfort. Not long after, my mom gave me an article by Dallas Morning News writer John Anders who related his own holidays together with his ex’s family and how grateful he was for the opportunity to be gifted a place at the table. He too, remarked how unsettling it was at first, but there was enough pull toward the idea of family that as time went on, the hurt feelings subsided, and the sting of divorce was replaced by deep feelings of what family really meant, in spite of whose blood was genetically shared.
They each chose to love.
That gave me a glimpse into what I ultimately wanted or felt could be achieved if enough kindness and time were given our particular situation. If what my parents showed was true, the angst and hurt would dull over time and if I could choose to serve rather than be served, perhaps our family would one day each choose to love as well.
Twenty-three years have passed since our divorce, we’ve both remarried, and we’ve collectively raised our children to become parents and watched as some of our own parents have passed away. Over Thanksgiving weekend, my husband and I not only were invited to come see my ex-husband’s extended family and meet for the first time a couple of the newest generation babies, but I stood side by side my ex-husband’s wife of 21 years, my unlikeliest of friends and laughed with the rest of this dearest of families and was even included in one of their annual family photographs.
We all had chosen to love.
Time healed the hurt feelings, but it didn’t do it all by itself. It took the constant decision to set aside our differences. It took forgiveness in parts and in whole, it took sacrifice and the continual effort to put another’s needs in front of our own and that’s oh so hard to do, but the payoff is so profound. We walked away from their home and got into our car and felt nothing but gratitude, an enormous swell of joy knowing that God’s example had bestowed the greatest gift.
Our children are not without scars as no child is even in the best of scenarios resulting from divorce, and I will forever be a champion of marriage and sticking together but for those who see themselves as part of the former, I hope you will try to not look at only today, though today looms so insurmountably large; it is in fact so fleeting and precious, that perhaps looking ahead to what could be, is best to hope for, today.
Elaine
