With all the upheaval in the US race for president this year, it got me to thinking of parallel root causes of division in marriage that could offer some perspective on the ills of our nation as well.
I’m no therapist nor doctorate in human behavior but I’d wager I’ve been witness to more familial dynamics than most, in my career of planning weddings for couples and their families.
I’ve cringed at divorced parents who couldn’t stand to be in the same room as the offending ex-partner much less sit by them on the same row for 20 minutes to witness the human life they shared in bringing into the world, express their love and honor to another equally loved soul, and I’ve watched incredibly humble and loving human interaction between the oddest of fellows who had nary a thread in common but their newly wedded offspring.
I wish I knew the secret sauce, but I’d venture to say that those who have learned to embrace those they might oppose in opinion, seek to walk a road less traveled or reach across an aisle to explore a differing belief rather than hastily cast a stone in objection are the ones that enjoy a measure of tranquility.
In my own 22 years of marriage, as anyone can attest, there are periods of stressful desperation and those of exhilarating joy but it’s the in-between years of ordinary life that sift out the disagreements worth fighting over and the ones the serenity prayer was written for; accepting the things you simply cannot change.
My mom was a pretty committed Republican and my stepdad an equally staunch Democrat when they married 37 years ago and not once did I ever hear chiding or sarcastic ‘I told you so’s’. They valued each other as partners in life more than the uncommon threads of political leanings and anyway, it made for interesting conversation. They each filled the gaps the other left open and they welcomed an opposing viewpoint without having the need to ‘win’.
Complementary was their union. The very word conjures up friendship and warm snuggles. A complementary person “serves and fills out to complete”. That is, we may have pockets that are so far, empty, waiting for another to complete, which is why the two become one in marriage. Each is a valued part of the whole.
I’m grateful we have a two-party system. It’s a privilege to be able to vote one into power but leaving the other to push enough of a boundary to force compromise. Two differing opinions doesn’t render one necessarily wrong and one right. Perhaps there is truth waiting to be understood in both. Together, both parties form our United States of America. Tension creates opportunity to unite and bond under common good if not taken too far. We would certainly work better if we humbly greeted another’s perspective in all things.
A good marriage is a two-party system of complimentary people who held each other in high regard. They fight hard to protect the unity and sanctity of marriage first because each portion by itself may be independent, but without its companion, it is a lonely, lopsided ride.
I have my own belief that God is where grace begins and there are a good many that don’t hold that same confidence and while we don’t have to agree or even understand, we can, and must respect.
I hope we learn to embrace those not like us. Learn from those who are hurting. And aren’t we all. Lay down the agenda and stretch out your arms to take hold of someone who simply needs solace. We can do so, so much more united than divided. My heart, and yours, will feel better, too.
“America! America! God shed His grace on thee, and crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea!”
In brotherhood,
Elaine
