Feelings are finicky emotions. Our very nature is mired in inconsistency. Joyous moods turn bitter with a one-word spin of the tongue and foul moods can brighten by a change of scenery or a savory dish. From the earliest days of betrothal, wedding vows were presented in public and before God as a statement not only of pronounced love and adoration but as a covenant that could withstand our selectively emotional pledge. It became a contract. It needed to be a contract, not to be broken.

We recently took a driving vacation and, on our way back through Louisiana, we made a pitstop to tour the Fort St. Jean Baptiste Museum to get a little history of the colonial days in that region. The Fort was established over 300 years ago and saw many marriages take place between the French Colonists. The diorama above depicts one such ceremony. A quote below the wedding re-enactment sparked my interest.

Henry P Dart, author of ‘Marriage Contracts of French Colonial Louisiana’ said, “It seems unnecessary to stress the value of these ancient contracts. They form an essential part of the social history of the Colony, for here we find the names of the great and the small, most of whom missed their page in the histories of the ear, but who nevertheless did their part, carried on and are still remembered by countless descendants in all parts of the world.”

A marriage commitment will alter the course of your life certainly, but future generations as well. We make assurances every day of one type or another, some more inflexible than others. We buy a car with the guaranty that we will pony up the monthly payments with interest, and we will forfeit the pleasure of that sweet ride if we neglect to hold up to our part of the bargain. But without a contract, we may or may not make that payment. Without the strength of a contract, the spoken word is only as good as who utters it. Used to be that a handshake meant something. Teddy Roosevelt coined the phrase “words are cheap but action is expensive”.

Marriage is more than just words. It is a contractual promise that says that even when I’m afraid or sad or downright and justifiably angry, that I will stick by you and figure out a way to make it work and work well. The sacrificing of pride becomes the fruit of our labor.

It is hard to conceive that our time will pass on to the next generation, but our commitments will remain as a testament of our history. Our children and grandchildren will know by our kept oath, whether or not we passed the test of faithfulness.

As much as it pains me to admit it, there have been times that my solemn vow was all that held me from walking out the door. I am glad that the foundation of Jesus was the rock on which I made that vow because He is unchanging whereas this girl is made of shifting sand. But He knows and loves me and so does my patient husband. Twenty-two years of grateful.

Words matter,

Elaine

With all the upheaval in the US race for president this year, it got me to thinking of parallel root causes of division in marriage that could offer some perspective on the ills of our nation as well.

I’m no therapist nor doctorate in human behavior but I’d wager I’ve been witness to more familial dynamics than most, in my career of planning weddings for couples and their families.

I’ve cringed at divorced parents who couldn’t stand to be in the same room as the offending ex-partner much less sit by them on the same row for 20 minutes to witness the human life they shared in bringing into the world, express their love and honor to another equally loved soul, and I’ve watched incredibly humble and loving human interaction between the oddest of fellows who had nary a thread in common but their newly wedded offspring.

I wish I knew the secret sauce, but I’d venture to say that those who have learned to embrace those they might oppose in opinion, seek to walk a road less traveled or reach across an aisle to explore a differing belief rather than hastily cast a stone in objection are the ones that enjoy a measure of tranquility.  

In my own 22 years of marriage, as anyone can attest, there are periods of stressful desperation and those of exhilarating joy but it’s the in-between years of ordinary life that sift out the disagreements worth fighting over and the ones the serenity prayer was written for; accepting the things you simply cannot change.

My mom was a pretty committed Republican and my stepdad an equally staunch Democrat when they married 37 years ago and not once did I ever hear chiding or sarcastic ‘I told you so’s’. They valued each other as partners in life more than the uncommon threads of political leanings and anyway, it made for interesting conversation. They each filled the gaps the other left open and they welcomed an opposing viewpoint without having the need to ‘win’.

Complementary was their union. The very word conjures up friendship and warm snuggles. A complementary person “serves and fills out to complete”. That is, we may have pockets that are so far, empty, waiting for another to complete, which is why the two become one in marriage. Each is a valued part of the whole.

I’m grateful we have a two-party system. It’s a privilege to be able to vote one into power but leaving the other to push enough of a boundary to force compromise. Two differing opinions doesn’t render one necessarily wrong and one right. Perhaps there is truth waiting to be understood in both. Together, both parties form our United States of America. Tension creates opportunity to unite and bond under common good if not taken too far. We would certainly work better if we humbly greeted another’s perspective in all things.

A good marriage is a two-party system of complimentary people who held each other in high regard. They fight hard to protect the unity and sanctity of marriage first because each portion by itself may be independent, but without its companion, it is a lonely, lopsided ride.

I have my own belief that God is where grace begins and there are a good many that don’t hold that same confidence and while we don’t have to agree or even understand, we can, and must respect.  

I hope we learn to embrace those not like us. Learn from those who are hurting. And aren’t we all. Lay down the agenda and stretch out your arms to take hold of someone who simply needs solace. We can do so, so much more united than divided. My heart, and yours, will feel better, too.

“America! America! God shed His grace on thee, and crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea!”

In brotherhood,

Elaine

When I graduated high school and went on to college, I accepted the “lost and found” relics of my mother’s cupboard and brought with me to college, two very old black tin enameled cooking crocks. As a young married wife, I came to love those old things and I swore my mama’s ‘hungarian goulash’ tasted better served out it. I put quotation marks around the name because there was nothing Hungarian about it and the ground beef, macaroni, lots of cheese and tomato sauce, resembled something more like hash but mama had named it that and that’s all there is to it.

As woks became popular, my husband and I took turns with our first Austin neighbors of making weekly Chinese food and over the years, we swore the recipe was the same, but it every week we proclaimed that it was the best yet. Could be that we were more skilled in our labors but that old wok had taken on a seasoned flavor all its own. We were very careful not to clean with soap as it would strip what made the food so characteristically tasty.

To those who’s walk down the aisle is just a stone’s throw away, I can’t tell you how to keep sacred the hushed moments you currently share, for you will figure that out one anniversary at a time. The days are long and the years short as they say so don’t give up on those first forays in the kitchen, of burnt toast and spilled milk. It takes time to learn the rhythm of relationship.

Don’t despair if you don’t speak the same language right off the bat or you feel like you’re beating your head against the wall of stubbornness and pride. Lay down the phone and stop texting. Hug big, listen long, speak little and whisper how much you love to love.

Seasoning is a little dab of this and a little dab of that. Before you know it, you don’t need the recipe, you just know it, feel it, taste it even.

Enjoy the salt and pepper,

Elaine

My daughter and I share a pretty similar sense of humor and we get our funny bone tickled on a regular basis. She recently sent me a video one night that sent me sideways. The kind of unexpected joy that morphs into uncontrollable laughter. One of those moments that at first, was just an under your breath kind of mental haha, but then tiny audible heehees that you try to keep to yourself that turned into mostly silent tears that begin to stream from your face in hopes to not wake your husband, that finally erupt uncontrollably and now demands sharing but you can’t seem to get any words to come out to explain why you are acting like you are, that will make any sense to the man who is now wide awake and waiting. Waiting to hear and understand. When I replay it to show my husband, I was wrecked and trying to get to the bathroom while he was left speechless and not comprehending any of my hysteria.  Poor man.

Now understand that this might have just been me. It would never be as funny for him as it was for me. Some might call me simple. I do enjoy a good laugh. He said ha ha and rolled back over. Oh well, it was funny, I swear. I laugh at myself on a regular basis. It reduces the stress of aging.

Some folks are great at telling jokes. They remember all the details and have the timing down pat. I’m terrible at telling jokes; I can never remember them. It must have something to do with my visual nature. I love to banter though and to watch my sons bounce insanity from one to the other keeps me oddly, well, sane. They could seriously have a standup routine, but I’d die of embarrassment at most of what they’d come up with.

My husband snorts when he laughs. He also is the one who usually makes others laugh, even if it’s more of a groan. He’s more an observer and commentator of human behavior. I honestly think that laughter has brought us enough joy to overcome the sadness that is inevitable in life. Second only to faith, it has been one of the foundational glues in our marriage.

It is the counterbalance to heartbreak. Ask anyone who has suffered grief. Those going through that horrific struggle sometimes share a weird, morbid sense of humor only those in the midst of that awful time can relate to.

Men have a life expectancy of about 73-74 years and women closer to 80. According to Psychology today, women also laugh 126% more than men. Hmmm

“Laughter is wine for the soul – laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness – the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.” – Sean O’Casey

Enjoy this engagement season of your life and may God grant you His peace and the kind of joy that only laughter can bring.

Elaine

p.s. Here is the link that put me in stitches. Laugh at your own risk.

My parents divorced when I was in 6^th grade, leaving my brother and I to split time between households for holidays. As we grew up, we decided that we would each host the holiday and the parents could come if they wished but we were done with splitting time. I applaud my parents for choosing to come and to outwardly lay aside any feelings of betrayal, bitterness or hostility. Over the years and scores of birthdays, holidays and remarriages, their relationship softened and often exhibited humor. Our own children, their grandchildren, knew no inkling of past hurts; only that they enjoyed family as we defined it.

When my own first husband and I sought a separation, we kept this in mind and chose at that moment that for the short term at least, we would come together and celebrate holidays and birthdays as a united front. That sounds really noble but let it be known that it was not an easy decision nor an easy implementation. There was notable tension and discomfort. Not long after, my mom gave me an article by Dallas Morning News writer John Anders who related his own holidays together with his ex’s family and how grateful he was for the opportunity to be gifted a place at the table. He too, remarked how unsettling it was at first, but there was enough pull toward the idea of family that as time went on, the hurt feelings subsided, and the sting of divorce was replaced by deep feelings of what family really meant, in spite of whose blood was genetically shared.

They each chose to love.

That gave me a glimpse into what I ultimately wanted or felt could be achieved if enough kindness and time were given our particular situation. If what my parents showed was true, the angst and hurt would dull over time and if I could choose to serve rather than be served, perhaps our family would one day each choose to love as well.

Twenty-three years have passed since our divorce, we’ve both remarried, and we’ve collectively raised our children to become parents and watched as some of our own parents have passed away. Over Thanksgiving weekend, my husband and I not only were invited to come see my ex-husband’s extended family and meet for the first time a couple of the newest generation babies, but I stood side by side my ex-husband’s wife of 21 years, my unlikeliest of friends and laughed with the rest of this dearest of families and was even included in one of their annual family photographs.

We all had chosen to love.

Time healed the hurt feelings, but it didn’t do it all by itself. It took the constant decision to set aside our differences. It took forgiveness in parts and in whole, it took sacrifice and the continual effort to put another’s needs in front of our own and that’s oh so hard to do, but the payoff is so profound. We walked away from their home and got into our car and felt nothing but gratitude, an enormous swell of joy knowing that God’s example had bestowed the greatest gift.  

Our children are not without scars as no child is even in the best of scenarios resulting from divorce, and I will forever be a champion of marriage and sticking together but for those who see themselves as part of the former, I hope you will try to not look at only today, though today looms so insurmountably large; it is in fact so fleeting and precious, that perhaps looking ahead to what could be, is best to hope for, today.

Elaine

This is a big week, for us personally. It’s a milestone I’m not sure Steve nor I thought we would be celebrating – it just sounds like such a LOT. Indeed it is. We didn’t envision this day anymore than you can really grasp what your adult children will be like, when you’ve only seen their toddler selves. It is exhausting to think about in a future tense, but incredibly humbling to see on this side of the journey.

We started our company on October 4, 2003, and had our first wedding on December 13th, 2003 on our home property just a hop, skip and jump from Kindred Oaks, where we thought our business was to be held. Before we even got out of the gate, we saw multiple challenges we’d have to confront and we quickly started looking for land. We needed an unrestricted space to hold events with loud music and space for parking and bathrooms.

We found the land that is now Kindred Oaks, after a search within a five mile radius of our home. It was part of a three tract parcel of land, that had sat empty, on the market for 10 months, 20 years ago this next month. We couldn’t afford all three pieces so we made a bid on two of the tracts, but the seller said he’d have to put restrictions on it if we took only two. We held firm and said that was a deal breaker. We prayed. We prayed some more and surrendered the decision to God, come what may.

Later that evening, we got a call from our agent saying that another buyer came in at the last minute and wanted only the third tract of land, for a landscaping business. He agreed to have no restrictions. For ten months that acreage sat empty but in the span of one day, two buyers and three tracts of land, we found out what to step out in faith really meant. The picture above is what the home looked like in 1978 when built.

Our business turned 20 years old and likewise, we turned 20 years older. Like a good marriage, it has taken immeasurable hard work, daily compromises, unending patience, and grace beyond what one can imagine. We have made so many mistakes in the midst of the growth, it pains me to recall them, but the development of character in the midst of the chaos, gave us success and abundant joy. I cannot fathom how many children have been born of the more than 1500 couples who have wed here and the generations that will follow.

The 20th anniversary celebration is this Saturday and we could not be more thankful for each one of you who reads this newsletter, each one who said ‘I do’ and committed to life together, each one who served in the capacity of a vendor or showed support in the form of family and friends. You made this happen. And just like the village that I’ve spoken about so often, you’ve helped us achieve what one single individual could not. WE all have established a community of love.  WE all have helped change the lives of others and had ours changed as a result.

We set about doing all things in love and sometimes we did not succeed. But more times than not, we did, and with the unbounding grace of God above, we will continue.

Thank you.

Elaine & Steve

 

We blow open the windows in Springtime to let out the stale, cooped up air we’ve been roommates with for months on end and usher in rejuvenation even if its psychological. Going from a seemingly colorless landscape to one dotted in technicolor hues can’t help but give us a giddy attitude. The circle of life came back ‘round and decided to spruce up the place with bouquets of flowers and a peck on the cheek.

I heard the phrase, “some people feel the rain, and others just get wet” recently and I realized that both types are usually present in a relationship and it takes the one to balance the other.

Relationships can learn a lot from the observation of nature and its cycles. They are not meant to be unending seasons of joys, with never a rest. Nor are the pits of loneliness and grief, that we stumble upon. Emotional highs and lows are short-lived, both spewing forth and retreating. Exhaling and inhaling. It is simply a part of life. Remembering that they are temporary is the trick.

After a period of mundane and colorless days go by, it’s time to blow open the windows of courtship and put the fun back in dysfunctional. Date nights, laughing till you can’t see through the tears, bear hugs and carving out time to spend with the one who feels the rain when you get wet. Make puddles, don’t be afraid to get dirty now and then. Enjoy what you can, while you can and be grateful for the opportunity.

Don’t forget the towel,

Elaine

Will You Marry Me? Big question. Big answer. Lives forever changed, yes or no.

January is a month of bold declarations, new beginnings, new routines, cleaner living, changed habits, all very positive in their earnestness. It’s also a month of being engaged or about to be.

As it relates to the engagement period prior to marital accord, I’ve noticed 2 things about couples in my almost 20 years in this industry. One is pure opinion and based loosely on my observation of over 1500 unions, cancelled bookings, subsequent knowledge of post wedding relationship status and the armchair psychology derived from body language, my perception of respectful versus disrespectful communication between couples and family dynamics. When meeting with thousands upon thousands of couples and their families over all these years, patterns have emerged upon which relational traits become telling, much more so than to the casual observer.

Equal investment: If each half of the couple is equally interested or passionate about the other, there is a much higher chance of that couple enjoying one another and working through life’s difficulties with equal tenacity than that of the couple who has one partner more “into” the other than that partner has into the first. This has nothing to do with committing 100% effort once married into the relationship but everything to do with wanting to be there in the first place.

Falling in love is human nature but some might be prone to jump too quickly, some perhaps experienced lust only, and never developed the qualities needed to grow into love and some are too weak to admit that maybe, just maybe, they got sucked into the excitement and now know no way to bow out gracefully.  

Second: From my vantage point, and yes it’s biased, I’ve seen more Christian marriages withstand the long years happily than those with no faith background. Make no mistake, I’ve known many wonderful and strong marriages whose respect and dedication for each other was inspiring and they had little to no religiosity and likewise, I’m not saying that being a Christian is the save button for successful marriage. What I am saying though, is that those who rely on God as their purpose for maintaining the strength needed to carry on through the lean times seem to have an edge over their counterparts in keeping the fires burning, not just making do. There is data to support this, too. (church attenders – marriages)

Love is life’s most beautiful gift here on earth and to be given the opportunity to both share and declare it with whom you’ve decidedly chosen, for death us do part, is a lifelong sojourn that allows us each to grow into the selfless definition of love itself. It takes a lifetime to do that though, it takes both to want to try, so buckle up, and keep saying I Do over and over and over again.

And just for grins, giggles, and keeping it light, here’s a couple more fun articles in the ‘keys to a happy marriage department’: Gottman’s “turn towards, not away” and marriage stats and surprises from Reader’s Digest

Twenty years married, but still happily engaged,

Elaine

Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at my grandparent’s homes were probably similar to your own. They were always accompanied by boisterous children, women with long cooking aprons and short on patience, glass stemware on the table, sterling silver cutlery and china plates out of the antique cupboard. Cloth napkins and sitting up straight with hand in the lap, were expected. They were momentous occasions and always started with a prayer of gratitude, for family and provision. The traditions continue for the most part, sans apron. Much of the rest of the year, however, we eat out, we eat in, we eat with entertainment and we eat too much.

I wonder as our lives are more enriched than ever before, if we’ve gotten so accustomed to being more with than without, we’ve simultaneously forgotten how notable it is to have such luxuries, and how much longer it takes us to recognize the beauty within average circumstances worthy of the lingering pause it takes to etch into working memory. The emotional ties that are bound within that framework are what cause us to pass down the tradition, the sanctity of family.

Sacred too, is the heartbeat of marriage.

It is such a remarkable choice in life, to take one life to have and to hold dear. We accept the challenge so quickly, often not realizing the allegiance it both requires and deserves. I am grateful to get a second chance to adhere to that level of devotion and twenty years in, and more than a few wrinkles deep, love has been sustained by grace more than anything else I can pinpoint and there is an emerging tenderness and comfort that sustains us. It is one part of getting older that I can fully appreciate.

The wedding ceremony will come and then go, the coming together of people in celebration of a promise of unity will fade, but the ties that bind will linger long into the years and is strengthened still by future additional strands and names entered into the Holy book. Hold fast to the created sacred traditions that mark your place in your generational story and celebrate the magic and the wonder and the gift of life. Love one another as He first loved us.

Elaine

The mere word written in capital letters strikes me as somewhat ugly in appearance. Division by definition is a “disagreement between two or more groups, typically producing tension or hostility”. Estrangement. Mathematically, by principle, it is taking something away, or separating in parts. I much prefer wholeness, agreement and unity, corny as that may be.

Independent thought and being able to live on one’s own, does not also have to mean, without input or reliance on and from, others. When two individuals take a chance to move beyond the safety of their known and separate worlds and decide to join forces, it doesn’t mean they cease to be uniquely individual; it means they now have an ally to assist in fighting the battles of life as well as a partner to celebrate the jubilations of surviving and overcoming those conflicts. You are not half of one or divided; you have multiplied the fullness of what makes you, you.

It is in those developing first weeks and months of a new courtship that dating becomes a relationship and commitment becomes allegiance. That is when young love is born of eager anticipation, almost blind tolerance, and you can’t wait to hear that captivating voice on the other end of the line because you realize over to your own amazement that this one person finally and insurmountably, gets you.

Outside of marriage and in the broader sense of a community, wouldn’t it be generous to treat total strangers with the benefit of the doubt and believe that they too, lead lives filled with family and connectivity, shared intimacies of both beauty and heartache, and perhaps as a result, we could understand the concept of laying down one’s life for a friend in hopes that maybe one day one would do the same for us? Oh, that we would lay down our busy lives, and our phones, to be there for someone who just needed to know we too, were allies, humans sharing equal hardship and existence even the midst of unshared opinions and beliefs. We are better together.

Bonds are created when we are vulnerable enough to trust another with frailties and fears, secret dreams and hidden talents. Life is so much more vibrant when you live “for and with” than merely exist, alienated in the exercise of being so independent. That is a burden not worth carrying. At the risk of sounding like an ATT commercial, I hope you’ll reach out and touch someone today, in a literal sense. Someone is really needing a touch of a hand, a hug or a hello. I’ll bet you do, too.

Elaine

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. – Winston S. Churchill

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Eccl. 4:12